by Saviela Edwards Thorne

published April 8, 2013 on

Life after a miscarriage is everything but easy. Your entire life changes every time you see a pregnant woman or pass the baby items in stores, memories begin to haunt your mind. Your heart aches every time you hear the words, “You’re not pregnant”. You feel, like no one in the world understands what you’re going through and the ones you try to tell feel like you should be over it by now. Reality is: I’m not and I don’t know when I will ever be.

As a newlywed we had so many happy moments. My heart could hardly take anymore. We were contestants on the Game Show Network, The Newlywed Game Show. We had countless mini vacays. We were still receiving wedding gifts a year after our wedding. Not to mention the wedding itself, which many said would be impossible to pull off, had over 700 guests and nearly 500 guests at our reception. It was truly a dream come true! Days after, we went on our first cruise ship to the Bahamas.

We had a picture perfect first year of marriage. A little before our first year anniversary we decided we wanted to start a family.  And shortly after. it happened during our one year anniversary trip to Disney World! Well I guess they were right…Disney World is the place where dreams do come true. But soon after, our dream quickly turned into a nightmare.

It was New Year’s Eve and I was one of the fortunate people who had to work. We just found out days before that I was pregnant nearly 5 weeks. As I was preparing for work I had sharp pains in my side that were becoming progressively worse. I have a history of fibroids and figured that was causing the pain so I told my husband we needed to go to the emergency room. After spending nearly 4 hours there, we received a report we never thought we would hear, “you’re facing a possible miscarriage”. Our hearts immediately dropped, but we were comforted by the scripture Romans 8:28

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

We went home since it was New Year’s Eve and my doctor’s office was closed.  I had to wait until Jan 2nd to find out what was going on. I spent two days in grueling pain. On Jan. 2nd, my mother-in-law took me to the doctor’s office. As the young lady was doing the ultra sound, I could see in her eyes something was not right. The doctor called us in and said 1) the fetus is stuck in the tube and will not survive, 2) he feared there was internal bleeding because of how tender my stomach was and 3) he would have to perform an emergency surgery. My first reaction was whoa this can’t be happening.   I was in complete shock! As we were walking across the street my heart dropped as it hit me like a brick, I lost my baby. All the joy quickly turned into pure sadness and grief. I saw it in my husband’s eyes too when he asked me if there was a heartbeat.

Recovery went well and I was released the same day. My doctor told my family that he was glad we caught it when we did because if I would have waited any longer I would have been unconscious because of the internal bleeding. The first couple of weeks went well but it wasn’t until the next couple of months that I experienced what I called a relapse. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was dwelling on what had happened or the fear that it could happen again. I had my moments, sometimes pretty bad as I went through the stages of grief.

What held me together during this entire ordeal is my faith in God and my powerful support of family and friends. I thank God for my husband who may have not understood everything that was going on with me, but stood right there holding my hand. My faith in God and His ability to see the future and know what was ahead helped me face the next day’s uncertainty. I questioned God, why would He allow this to happen to me and His words to me were “this is for my glory” “I am in control”. Those words brought so much peace and comfort to my heart and soul. Do I still have times where I think about it? Yes of course because my life has changed. I am not the same person I was before. I am grateful for life and for the second chance God has given me.

I wanted to share my story because I know that someone may be facing or has faced a similar situation and does not know how to conquer it. Its ok to grieve but the key is not to let it consume you and rob you of your joy, peace and hope which gives you the faith to carry on. The thought of one day holding my little bundle of joy in my arms helps me each day to keep pressing on no matter how bleak the situation may look. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to live life the way God intended, happily and healthy.